Election: As Fair As Getting Tenure?
|By Denise A. Tucker, Ph.D.
||November 24, 2000
Until last night, I thought the process of getting
promotion and tenure in the university community was the
most unfair political process in the world. Now that I have
witnessed the Democratic machine hard at work in South
Florida, I realize I was utterly mistaken. Inspired by our
devoted canvassing boards in the South, I recommend to
Universities and Colleges nationwide "Al Gore's Method of
Getting Promotion and Tenure". This procedure is as follows:
1. As stated in University law, all candidates must submit
their dossiers by September 15th. Unless, of course, you
are good friends with the University Provost. Then you may
hire a lawyer and have the established University deadline
overturned, thus giving you an extra three weeks to get
your papers together.
2. External Peer Reviews: External reviews and
recommendations of your tenure are due in three days after
your papers are filed. However, a five page memo
written by your worst enemy on campus will be distributed
to all members of the promotion and tenure committees
within the College, with detailed instructions on how to
throw out reviews favorable to your tenure or how to
include reviews critical of your work.
3. Four days before your dossier is handed in, people
working for your worst enemy at the University will be
given access to your private files in the Human Resources
Department. Sensitive information, such as previous DUI
reports, will be printed and distributed across campus to
all members of the voting academic community.
4. You must construct your dossier according to published
and established University guidelines. However, three weeks
after your dossier is submitted, members of the promotion
and tenure committee may go to their Department Heads and
have all the guidelines changed. No previous standards
or criteria will then apply.
5. Your dossier will be hand reviewed by a number of
hostile members of the academic community. They may twist,
turn, stamp on the floor, tape, poke, alter, add to, or
remove items from your dossier, but don't worry. They will
be closely supervised.
6. Although you may receive recommendations for promotion
and tenure from your Department and Dean, please be advised
that the supreme vote lies ultimately with University
Provost and Board of Trustees, who were appointed to their
positions by people working for your worst enemy on campus.
Don't worry. They are true to their positions and and are
above the fray. If anybody can work around the law, they