The Ornery American Sports Writer
Are You Ready for Some . . . um, Olympics? Me, Neither
| By Chris Bellamy |
August 13, 2004 |
Somehow, I can't get 'in the true spirit of the games'
Call me unpatriotic. No -- go further than that if you want to. Call me anti-American. But that's not gonna change my mind: I'm not watching the Opening Ceremonies tonight, nor do I plan to watch a great amount of the Games themselves.
I know what some of you are thinking: The Opening Ceremonies are
tonight?! But "George Lopez" is on!! (Fear not -- it's only a re-run.)
But seriously, folks -- I know there's supposed to be a warm, patriotic
fervor swelling inside me as the opening of the Olympic Games draws nigh. I
know I'm supposed to be brewing with feelings of pride and civic duty as so many
dedicated American athletes go for the gold in Athens. Some people see this as the
most important sporting event of the year. I'm sure President Bush, for one, is
foaming at the mouth to get out there and kick some more foreigner tail.
But I've gotta be honest -- I'm just not feeling it. I've got to admit, it threw
me for a loop when I realized the Olympics were starting this weekend. Suffice it
to say I haven't exactly made it a high priority. In other words, I really don't care.
Does that make me a bad person? It's not that I don't like the Olympics -- I do.
But there are just more important things going on in the sports world right now.
Like the opening of the NFL Preseason. And the baseball playoff race. And the
opening of the NFL Preseason. (And with all that's going on in the world, how
could they possibly schedule the Opening Ceremonies for Friday the 13th? Who
organized this? I want names!}
I know, I know -- this is supposed to be a special Olympics, seeing as how
it's back in Athens, Greece, where the whole tradition started. But did I mention
that football season just started? How can I concentrate on a bunch of athletes
I've never heard of, competing in sports I never watch, when there's football on
another channel? Priorities, people. Priorities. And hey, I don't need the Olympics
anyway -- I've got "Gladiator" on DVD. (I know, that's ancient Rome, not
Greece, but that's close enough for me. It's worth pointing out here that I failed
geography.)
Look, I've been jonesing for pro football for six months now. Sure, there
was NFL Europe and the Arena leagues to tide me over, but that's kind of like a
nicotine addict having to smoke candy cigarettes. Now that the NFL's back,
there's no way I'm gonna let something like the Olympics stand in the way.
Can you blame me? I don't think I'm alone on this one. Somehow, I don't
think that equestrian sports, badminton, field hockey and synchronized swimming
exactly titillate the senses of your average American sports fan. And definitely not
soccer. Sure, the NFL Preseason so far has been about as ugly and disorganized as
football gets, but it's still football. I look at it this way: Either catch the Eagles-Patriots at the local sports bar, or subject myself to four-straight hours of Bob
Costas' painfully self-aggrandizing commentary serving as the Olympics'
proverbial Greek chorus. (See, did you catch that? I just made a reference to
Greece. This is because I'm a very clever person.)
There's really no choice there. The truth is, no matter the year, there's only
so much of the Olympics I can take. For one, I can't stomach Costas any more. (I
swear, he's getting smarmier and more arrogant by the second.) And then, of
course, there's the inevitable onslaught of those oh-so-heartwarming human
interest stories they always throw at us ad nauseam (sometimes at the expense of
actual events). Call me callous, but there's only so many times I can hear the story
about the guy/girl raised in poverty who beat the odds and conquered death and
crossed mighty rivers and climbed the towering mountain from "Rocky IV" and
donated their kidney to their dying great-grandmother and chewed off their own
fingers to escape from a wicked dictator and overcame a brain tumor/renal
cancer/Ebola/intestinal bleeding/rickets/dysentery/Lou Gehrig's disease/Rob
Schneider's latest movie/rabies/the Hanta virus.
But, you know, that's just me.
As for the games themselves . . .well, in our shoulda-been, coulda-been-a-shoo-in-for-the-gold sport of basketball, this latest version of the Dream "Team" is
an upset waiting to happen. Now, I'm not necessarily saying that "Team" USA
won't bring home the gold. All I'm saying is our "team" got pounded by Italy ten
days ago. By 17 points. That's all I'm saying. (But hey, there's always women's
ball, right?)
When the Olympics end three weeks from now, I'm sure it will be a nice
ceremony (provided, of course, you mute Costas). I'm sure there will have been
some memorable moments, and I'm sure I'll be glad that I watched whatever
events I get around to watching. But my point is that my world isn't going to
revolve around the great Olympic games. American pride notwithstanding, the
simple fact of the matter is that very little of the next three weeks will be as
exciting as baseball's late-summer pennant chase. Very little will be as exciting as
any football game, preseason or otherwise. And, of course, very little will be as
exciting as the ongoing Lindsay Lohan "Are They Real?" debate. For my part, I'm
hoping the USA pulls down as many gold medals as it can. But I'll be spending
my time on the couch, watching football -- because that's the American way.
Copyright © 2004 by Chris Bellamy
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